Special struggles lots of love.

We all have struggles ALL of us rich, poor, educated, or less than. Day to day struggles as a parent can be over whelming. This is especially true for those with kids who have special needs or disabilities. I am a parent to special needs children, It is my greatest joy and my saddest moments sometimes.One was has ADHD,ASD,Apraxis and learning disabilities and the other is PTSD, ADHD, with Dyslexia and a mild learning disability. There both perfect in my eyes they just need more is all. Over the years I have learned to adjust, accomodate, I've done it almost with out thinking really.Its how we've survived. we learned to eat breath and live just for them and their needs. The early years were a blur when instead of play dates and cheerios it was, Speech therapy, Play therapy,Food therapy, etc. Add to that Doctors visits, stares and comments from strangers or worse those closest to you who should know better or refuse even to acknowledge that child,then theres the testing, and treatments.Now add the constant worry that you some how in some way I did this to my child, or how with all their issues can they ever have a "normal" Life. At times I felt so inadequate After awhile I came to acceptance and learned to meet their needs in there way and in there time.I learned to let go of those expectations of normalcy The therapy's become less often and they go to school.I still worry most days but now its how can I help learn at a better pace or what kids might be saying to them. I've gotten used to the how could you even think of using medications Have you tried behavior therapy instead, Honey I graduated magna cum laude in ABA among other fun behavior based learning. Both my kids have had therapy tell they were begging for no more. I've done parenting classes and studied books on my kids disabilities each book and therapist all have their opinion and theory on how to make them normal or succeed in life. Some help others make me want to bounce flaming marshmellow's off their heads.I have accepted that all this comes with the job. What I struggle with and I know other's with kids like mine and others who have it far worse is a system that think's they some how a stranger to my child or children depending on the case have a better understanding of what my kids need. How is that even able to come out of your mouth? I have been next to my children through every step of their life, I have loved them changed their bumms and dealt with messes a saint woulda beat them for. When they got to school age I volunteered full time at their school just so I knew they were safe and so that I could learn more. I keep them close so that boogie monsters and bad people can not harm them. I take that job more serious than most do, heck sometimes I would say a bit over protective lol. I have raised to this point the best two kids I could. So how are you going to tell me that you a ( insert school staff or therapist or diagnosing doctor etc....) who has already told me that my child is a very special case and that you actually not sure how to proceed know more than I do?? These boys are the air I Breathe I know them for who they are I see them for who they are truly. I can see them as they can be in the future and I even see what flaws they have that might make there future harder. I promise you I make no decision whether its medications,where were living or school placement with out deep and serious thought. I am their parent and you might just want to listen to me so you might learn from the master of being there mom ,me. If I say can we try this please if its possible lets do so. I would not ask if I did not believe it was in there best interest. If I am asking for help there is a reason for it please help. In return I will listen and consider your ideas, I will do research check with others with similar kids and ask a lot of questions. If I tell you no or say that isn't what is best for them it's because I mean it, respect that.

A path found

Ever known you had a gift and yet never could find a path to get you there? Well that been me for the last 11 years. I knew I wanted to help other women have a more joyful birth and begin to trust there bodies again. One thing or another seemed to step in the way life just seemed to go in other paths. Well that path has now led me to the people I needed to know to get me where I wanted and needed to be. Seems like it almost to easy now in some ways. I know my path and I am amazed to finally be here.I am also grateful to the friends and family who helped emotionally and finacially ( thanks god mom :) At the end of this month I am taking the training to be a certified CAPPA doula.I know quite a bit but I truly want to know more and want to know how to fully help woman through this. I have already attended births helped talk family through difficult and not so happy births.I always felt like this is what I am here for. Now I get to expand and help those who may not know me on a social basis yet need a doula for a million reasons or just simply one. Why a Doula knowing I won't make a million dollars or get rich ? It's simple I am for family empowerment and Female empowerment even more.I want every woman to have a birth where she feels like all her need were met and that even if things go wrong her birth was everything it could be. I want every Father/Partner to be able to embrace the moment his child comes into this world in a way he is apart of it not just a coach.He is a father and husband first this moment could not be with out him. No matter your family dynamics GAY, Straight,Single,Married you deserve the birth experience that is free a fear and that has a reassuring voice through the process. I want every Family to celebrate birth as the wonderful begining it is instead of this thing we have to get through in order to have a baby. It can and should be more. I want to help guide and love families through to the next step. We as a society have made birth more about doctors comfort than mothers safety for a very very long time now. I am for doctors do not get me wrong but I am not for institutionalization of a natural process. If you want certain things during your birth.I am for that, but I want you to know the real risks and the real options that go with that. So you are empowered for you!!! So I start now have started and I am officially taking clients for births as of today. Come check out my facebook page and say hello :) https://www.facebook.com/DharmicDoulaServices?ref=hl I hope you all a blessed day :)

Short simple post, We are at louise's she really seems to like having us here and seemed to actually needed our help. Her land had gotten a little out of hand.We have also started a small chicken farm I swear we are at around 50 chickens 25 of which are chicks lol. We also have 3 Kittens all being fed by our never been pregnant Dog. Yup she is a great mommy and doggie even to kittens HAHAHA. Love to Our friends and family. The neds

T-Minus 5 days

The Rv and trailer are bought. The house is slowly but surely getting emptied and either going to the Rv or the trailer or to DI ( goodwill for those out of utah lol ).

What started as us dreaming about retirement has turned into a family adventure a year ago I would have been to scared to go on.
Derrick has not seemed this happy since we were first married. I never realized how much the daily grind was really grinding him down.
We all seem to be getting along better and we have not even left yet.
I am so excited myself and giggle for no reason at all, I am still scared but have found a calm within myself that makes it okay .
More updates to come can not wait to see family and new places big and small.
Will post soon :)

Children growing bigger every day

Looking through old photos can be very sad some times for a mom who realizes her kids are zooming through and getting so much older than I am quite ready for.

As I went through and sorted out all we cared about etc it really hit me how fast my cuties have grown since some of the photos had been taken.

They were so cute and loved to be together when this photo was taken at Ages 3 & 5

Now my boys are much bigger at 11 and 9 years old. Now they never want each other near and are stll cute but way more mouthy. (yes Steve I am getting what I deserve), They have opinions and thoughts so unlike my own yet my print is there I hope they excel and do so much more than I ever allowed myself to so.

Hope the holidays were kind to all we love and even those we dont ( though that list is quite tiny)

Love ME

Courage to follow your path..

As many know and others may find out these last 2 almost 3 years have been hard in many ways.

2 babies dying in my arms and 1 miscarriage has brought in the last couple years a life path much different than the path I had foreseen. The last child our son Dragen came close to me going with him, I hemmoraged near to death 2 days after he was born. He was born still on 12/23/2010 due to stress and my body not being able to handle it all . The doctors said we could try for another but that with this being my 20th pregnancy with 5 making it to at least 2nd trimester chances were not great that the child would survive or that I would be there to care for it even if it did.

Derrick was sweet and took care of  his side of it so that as he put it he gets to have me a lot longer. He is such a trooper and really appreciate the help his dad gave in this.

The strange part is 4 years ago I would have been devastated to know that my 2 sweet boys would be my only kids I get to raise. Now though it seems these trials have allowed me to start living for myself . Still be a mom and a loving wife but to really and truly start allowing myself to follow my dream path.

3 years ago after dharma died we went through some counseling that helped us mend the damage done by the loss. One thing she pointed out though was that its fine and nobel to live only for your kids but that living for you is just as important. She said that maybe we should focus on moving out of utah where we had moved to solely for dax's benefit.
I was shocked at first by the suggestion I have in general put every one elses needs before mine just out of habit and hating to hurt or disappoint them.Being a good mom to dax and dallon have been until recently all I ever thought about.Now though I know to be that good mom I need happiness also.
We decided at that time to start moving forward with the moving some where else. Where had been the biggest debate. Of course we had planned to move 19 months ago and just felt so unready so we cancelled our plans and waited. I mean we knew west coast and all 3 states had reasons why it would be awesome to live there. family, friends,etc.
The we got pregnant with dragen and figured that was our sign to stay. Life happened after all that and were still in utah.What finally freed us from waiting was changes in dax's school situation and therapy. With his speech therapist gone on a mission to singapore and the school making decisions I neither support or am willing to live with moving now makes logical sense for us.
I recently took stock and listed what lessons I have learned in the last while.
1. Time and place is everything
2.There is always another path dust your self off and go on with your life. ( easier said than done but trust me it is always doable.
3.Paths some times lead you to  life styles and experiences you may never had seen your self doing or though you had to wait until you were old and grey.
4.Trust your gut.
5. you are not guilty ( my own issues are very imbedded in this one lol.) this has been my mantra since heck I can make myself feel guilty for a death a million miles away.

Derrick and I are finally ready to follow the path we had wanted to follow years ago when we were young and first in love. To work for our selves and live in an rv together and travel where the path leads us. Now some  friends already know this and think we are insane,irresponsible ETC....

Maybe we are but I have only one life and I do not want to sit on the side lines while others enjoy my dreams. Doing what we have been doing is not getting us any where. I would rather take a risk now than wait till I am 50 and wish I had done it sooner. Or worse something happens and I never took the chance to follow my path.
So we are moving and buying a motor home and a travel trailer. The Rv is planned to be a Class C likely older model but livable. The travel trailer to most will seem wierd but hey as a wire artist and jewelry maven I need a good bead studio/ room so we will gut most of the trailer we get and make it into our mobile bead studio. No money if my supplies I have squirrled away over the last few years were not there.
I am good at my work and know that by making it full time for both derk and I can live simply with that income. The kids are excited to move and a little scared as can be expected for kids who have only gone to one school there whole lives lol.

The next step has been where. Well with my favorite aunty ( always has been :) ) and awesome God mother and Father are there in California with its lovely farmers markets and love of truly hand made artisian work has turned out to be the place we both can agree on. So end of febuary we will be packed and ready to go to morro bay or pisomo beach or such. Hitch up our traveling band and head for california land of my birth and a place where our path has lead us. Packing up and moving forward has seemed to take on a life of it's own. Funny how that happens when you are on your path again.

Sarah...

So I know I have not been blogging, summer came and kicked my rear. lot's of fun and laughter instead of blogging. we went camping,fishing,rock hounding and in general enjoyed each other :) We even sat on a lake for labor day.

Unfortunately our labor day lake vacation came to a screeching halt when I received a call that my sister sarah was being rushed in was not likely to survive based on vitals and her blood sugar numbers.She made it through so far but just barely. Her kidney's are failing more every day so far, her blood sugar is dipping into the 20's and she does not seem to be in the right frame of mind. I unfortunately agreed years ago that if something happened I would take care of stuff and make hard decision's. She and I have for years been more like mother and daughter than sisters. That is not always an easy path to follow but that is what she has needed from me. I am so sad to know that at this point sarah is terminal in most senses. Due to her inability to seem to maintain or care for her diabetes her body is now giving up on her. She will not be eligible for a transplant due to her lack of self care . I wish it were different but that's the path we are on.

Some how with our lack of money in the next week I will fly to Seattle to be with her, make sure her wish's will get taken care of so that in the future, whether it is tomorrow or in 5 yrs everything will be taken care of for her in the way she would want. On wing and a prayer this will be and I  come see my lil girl probably for one of the last times due to finances. I hope things turn around for her but at this point it may just be to late.

good thought's for sarah would be appreciated.

Joy

Flu....

One thing I can never understand is why so many germs have to affect me. I know my immune system is not running at full steam. I get that I know some germs hit me and smash me harder than others. I just wish my body fought a tiny bit more. 3 flu type bugs in 2 months seems just  a bit much. oh well tis is my plight I guess.
Hope my friends and family out there is doing better :)

So a change...

I think I approach this blogging thing wrong in my head. I stopped blogging awhile back since I figured I didn't have much to share.I think day to day things are what I actually love about blogs so I am going to make a goal to blog at least 4 days a week for the entire summer. So some of these posts may not be super interesting but in the end I think the over all quality will be sweet.

I have recently been looking at our budget and realized just how much money I am pouring into food every week. Most of this in an attempt to eat in a healthier way. all this adds up and that does not help pay off medical debt or get  derk and I back into college.

Daxs health problems in the last 6 months has made us more aware of all our food choices.

Since one of his health issues is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malabsorption and failure to thrive we are looking at ways to cut out some things that are hard on his body while maintaining his ability to eat.

Unlike most kids dax can and has starved himself to the point where he needed a feeding tube. If it looks remotely yucky to him no amount of coaxing or force can get him to eat it. Food for him can be a real power grab by not making it a center of focus this power source is depleted.

We currently do this by

1st) having an open kitchen. night or day your hungry GO FOR IT!! We teach moderation and keep certain thing like junk food for special occasion.

2nd) I make one dinner not 4!!you do not like what I have for you fine you have 2 options peanut butter and jelly or cereal.

3rd) I try to provide food we all can agree on!

The hardest  thing I find about number 3 is that dax is so picky most things a kid likes dax just will not eat!!

Dax likes cereal no granola but cereal, Noodles with no sauce, meats with no sauce,cheese, milk, fruits and veggies. Heaven forbid we mix things or try things a lil different.

 I love variety and want to mix and match food in fun maniacal ways. I am a person who has to be on a high high protein diet and loves most foods in moderation.

Moderation and center is a mantra I seek to live by. All food can be great in moderation.

 Dax due to being dax loves sameness!!

So long story short after research we found out milk and gluten can contribute to his health issuues.

We have tried the gluten diet and well lets just say that is not an option for our family.ROFL

Milk to drink and for cereal is an area we have found in general works for us to change. 

After some trial we found goat milk is yucky,Soy milk has to much estrogen for boys, Hemp milk at 4.25 a pint is way to expensive an option, coconut and almond milk were over all a huge winner for our family.

 A disclaimer is I am VERY allergic to almond milk. 

So we will be buying soy for me and almond or coconut milk for the boys.

Now Almond milk is expensive much more so then moo milk as we call it. So we are needing to cut costs in other areas. Our veggie and fruit costs have also been crazy like 60-70 a week. Did I mention we love our fruits and veggies lol. 

 Add just those 2 things  up and boy do I know why we are broke :)

Lucky for us and thanks to a friend letting us in on a great co op we have a great less expensive way to cut costs and still eat in a healthy way!! bountifulbaskets.org  is awesome they are currently in 14 states and growing all the time!! This week we finally bit the bullet and bought in for our first basket at 15 a basket plus a 3 dollar first time basket fee ( pays for the baskets that hold your food till you show up with your boxs or bags. keeping it green baby :) ) the results speak for them selves :)

I know when I go to the store I spend more than 15-18 for this much fruits and veggies.Now I am told amounts vary and each basket is unique either way I feel like I got a great deal!! Now to help with costs 1x every 2 months every family needs to volunteer 1 hour to help with loading or unloading the trucks and handing out baskets. Pretty cool I think.

Now being me and not realizing how much food their is I also bought 2 additional Items that you can buy ala cart. This was my total bill ROFL 

Conventional 1 $15.00  Utah Basket pickup 

 First Time Basket 1 $3.00 

Valencia Oranges - Approx 88 count 36 Lb from Mexico 1 $14.50 

Strawberries - 8 Lb box of 2 large clamshells - California 1 $12.00 

Handling Fee:

$1.50

Total Price:

$46.00

This does not show the orange box full of yummy fresh valencia oranges :) Next time I think the basic basket will do just fine. yet I love how yummy and tasty this will all be.

Over all  pretty nice changes and our grocery budget is much much smaller :) Lil changes help our world get better I hope.

Dax..

My dear and much loved oldest son has never been given the easy road of life. I am not sure what life has in store for him in the future I can only hope it is an easier road than he has traveled thus far.
Many things happened this week to him and for him
.As most if not all of you know dax is a pretty high functioning child on the spectrum of autism. For the last few years his major issues have come down to being socially acceptable and the ability to communicate verbally in a way other children and adults can understand. His Developmental Speech Apraxia is the root cause of this. His speech understand ability is around 3 and this is so hard on a child who is roughly cognitively a typical 8-9 year old high energy boy who wants to be liked by his peers. He tries hard to fit in wearing the coolest shades, the coolest vest, and working hard on his hair. Unfortunately he does try too hard and seems to focus on the being friends with the one kid in class who has not been fond of him since kindergarten. This hurts him much more than most can see. This weekend he cried tears of such sorrow not only from this child just not liking him , yet also from the feeling that he is unheard and not understood by friend and teachers alike. Even I his mother fail 30% of the time in the ability to understand what he trying to say. His desperation to be heard and understood is growing with speed his speech is just not able to keep up with, his disorder is hard to treat and his unfortunately considered a severe case. This disorder is neurologically based and past speech treatment which he has received since 13 months there is not any solid ways to treat him.

We have now found a way to help him be understood Its is not perfect, It seems like a miracle that something like this is available.Its called a dynavox

This device is will in so many ways can and I am hopeful will change his life as he knows it now.He was seen this week by a group that advocates and writes the paper work so that kids like dax who cognitively are where they need to be but due to various reasons including apraxia or even cerebral palsy can not communicate in a way others can understand.

Dax played with this device a few days ago and immediately had such a reaction that I wish we had a camera in the room. His face lit up with wonder and delight as he started using this device he immediately looked at all of us sitting in the room and said people will understand me with this. I could not help it all I could do was cry. He knew so immediately what this was for and what he wanted it for. No explanation no resistance just pure happiness that he can be heard and understood.

It will take a couple months for him to receive his own device. we know we have bumps in the road ahead. Getting insurance companies to pay for this can and tend to be difficult.His wait is hard for him right now but once he has that device I see it taking him places he never knew he could go.

My new (used)Van.

We are finally car owners again.  In September our engine died on our car,we had no money so we could not fix it or even replace it.
Thank heavens I have a friend like K. who had an extra car they were not really using and said we could use it until we could get another one.
Thank heavens we have such great friends. To not have a car would have meant taking dax and dallon out of thier school they both need to be in. Dax for his autism and Dallon For his severe Dyslexia most schools offer little to no services for  Autism and even less for dyslexics with the attitude that you can just pay the experts out side of school the 50-100 an hour they charge.
My heart sank when our car died thinking of everything my kids would loose if they could not continue there.
When  my friend K. called and said we could use her car I was over joyed and was on my knees thankfull.

Well this last saturday we were finally able to buy us a vehicle. I have looked and hunted.We knew our budget was not everything we were hoping it could be , yet it was what we had so we needed to make it work.
I am in love with my van
here is Rodrigo :)

Decked to the 9 and ready for what every my kids add to it. we paid 2800, put 900 in repairs and it is in excellent condition.!!

I know this was god's hands in us finding this vehicle. It was well below value and was a blessing for us.

Cinn

How Life has changed....

Life in the beginning of 2009 seemed perfect. We did not have every thing but we had our family and we had our wished for hope of a Little girl to love.

Things changed and although it did not turn out how we expected we made it through together.

Life for us changed in a way that will affect us with every step we take from now on.

At 26 weeks after a near perfect pregnancy ( at least for me) Dharma Eileen Neds was born. She was born early due to a rare form Ecoli like Amniotic Infection that hits acutely and kills often. She was born breathing and kicking, fully prepared to show us what a fighter she was . By all signs everyone even the doctors felt she could make it. With in minutes we were proven so very wrong. After about 40 minutes the doctors came and got derrick and I. They felt she could fight no more. Her body had put up a more than valiant effort and just could not win this battle.

At first they were unwilling to allow me to go with derrick to turn off the vents. They were still afraid this infection would kill me. At that moment NOTHING would have kept me from her side. I think they knew I would be quiet hysterical if they did not allow me to go so they relented. They wheeled me in accompanied by derrick.

This was my first image I saw of her.

I think those moments were almost fog like.The pain is something I can not describe to anyone. The pain stayed with us but as the saying goes Time helps heal any wound.

A few seconds after this they brought her to us and set her in my arms.

( I need to note that derrick in this moment really made a sacrifice I can not even explain to you how hard it had to of been for him. He never took her from me until well after she had passed allowing me that special gift of holding our Daughter for those last fleeting moments of her little life) Those moment with her are something I treasure, Every moment of my day. Feeling her breath and lay on my bare chest made every part of me want to go with her, yet I knew and Know it was not time for me. She had lived as long of a life as she needed and then returned home with honor. I spent the next 2 hours holding her. I honestly don't know why I held her so long knowing she had passed so fast. Yet I just could not let her go. When I finally did I had an empty feeling.

Awhile later my sister and close friend Joan brought the boy's. They saw her for a moment to say goodbye. I wish we had had more time in life for them to see her while she still lived but that just wasn't to be. Dax cried heart wrenching tears, and wanted to help the baby. Dallon asked why and I explained it was just this way for her.

We had a lovely Funeral at Garner Mortuary . We had originally planned to not allow the boys to attend. In the end they needed the good bye and closure that it brought our family.

The months passed and we healed some every day. We are not over it I doubt you can really heal this kind of deep wound.

We found Old friends Like My Sister in Law from my first Marriage ( yes I was married long ago to some one else amazing I know LOL).I got to see my ex-Nephews and nieces. ( though I never divorced them in my view.) Found Out My ex- SIL son had attended my sons school and I had no clue who he was despite having seen him in the library alot!! I even talked to my ex over facebook and myspace ( no I am NOT telling people who he is for his privacy and mine!!) Us talking is proof time heals every wound if you let it.

Basicly we tried to move forward with our lives.

Unfortunately 2009 was not finished with us. In Oct our Nephew Zach Fell Down Topaz mountain in southern Utah and sustained A lot of damage. He fell 70-75 feet Tumbling head over heel. He was Life Flighted to Primary Children's. He sustained Severe Bruising,Dislocated hip, Spine Fractures, And was partially Scalped. Despite all those injuries Zach is mostly back to normal. There is Scarring but for all his injuries it is a true miracle he lived and is living a normal life again.

Now course 2009 yet again did not seem to be finished with us. In Late November my sister Joan came down sick with that Infamous Swine Flu. Ended up In ICU with Pneumonia. She came terrible close to death and scared us all half to death!!! I have given her strict orders to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!! She finally pulled through after a few weeks in the hospital. We are all glad to have her home.

2009 closed quietly and with out much HOWRAH.

What I learned from it will stay with me forever. Love can get you through everything and that family means EVERYTHING to me.

2010 Is going. it has not been easy but who said life was easy.

On January 6Th We had to have a D&C due to another miscarriage.

It was hard but no worse than what we have seen before and Yes we are okay.

We are survivors and we are a family that Plays and Stays together.

Life continues even when you wish it wouldn't. I love my life and have great hopes and plans for our future. I am loved. I am blessed. More than people can see I am happy with all life has given to me. Even if I didn't get to keep it all.

Cinn/Joy

2 boys cute as can be
1 hubby still in love with me
1 little angel gone to soon

a Love fast

I was reading an article this weekend that intrigued and inspired me to try to explore my loving side.
The basis and theory of this article is to do a love fast..now before going nuts and thinking i mean not getting lovin.
This is more of a giving love diet than anything else.
In life I have found as you give love so shall you receive. Well this diet takes it one step farther.
As people we tend to want reassurances of love and will be unsatisfied when we feel people fail to meet our expectations of how one should show love. We then take that as a sign that we are unloved and that the person in our life that we love so much, loves us not. We as people will tend to get needier and push the ones in our life to make declarations; pushing them even further from us. This is a cycle that can makes us moody and petulant and in the end really push the one we want closest, further and further away until one day we really only end up much further from our goal.

My challenge to myself and even my friends out there is for the next week to abstain from emotional neediness. To show love with no expectations of returned behavior. To give the ones you love a boost of your love.

For those willing to participate by writing about what doing this love fast taught you, I will send a gift to one lucky blogger responder. :)

Sometimes ya feel like a nut

So i have obviousely been quiet lately. I have been fully flying into the face of life.

Since the start of school I have really started investing my time into helping Dax and Dallon's school, Being a v.p of the pto has really been alot of fun and I found i have a passion for libraries and a talent for getting things done.My time is well used and I can tell I am making a difference everyday.

I am also doing a spiritual diet exploring and discovering who i am at my center. it can be scary and at times i fall short yet I can only hope with exploration's of my very being I can be a better mom and learn to love me for all my flaws..

Injuries that make you feel old

This post is my Whining post. I hate to whining as a rule. We all know we do it at times but most like me try to avoid it

For the last year or so my back has been bugging me not enough to disable me but enough that even i knew i needed to be more careful than in years past.

Yesterday as we were getting ready to leave the house i asked Dax and Dallon to put the dog in her kennel so we could leave. I got to the car only to discover that instead they put her in the car. I was very irritated since i was running late anyways. I hate to be late so this will always irritate me.
I picked up the dog and ran her inside and put her into the kennel. as i was putting her in i felt a pull and a little bit of pain, well at 31 little pains are becoming a bit more common so i got into my car and drove to my destinations.

When I got to the school it was a different pain all together. I was having sharper pains and my left leg was very painful. yet again I figured this to shall pass. With book fair next week and really needing to get stuff done for the school, I pushed on. As time went on during the day the pain got worse and worse. at 11:30 I couldn't walk almost at all and finally called derrick to come take me to the doctor.

Derrick of course was pretty irritated but he at least came and got me. When he saw me he was a bit repentant for giving me crap about getting hurt again as he put it.

So we went to the urgent care doctor's office. I was by this point a pile of barely walking crippled poop.

Well to my shock after all the tests were done I did not just pull a muscle I have compressed vertebrae and a pinched nerve, I now need to go see a back specialist and need to do physical therapy to help out with the pain.

Now here's the whiny part until this morning I was fine with all this, until this morning, now I just feel weepy and feel like having a pity party all day long.

I just do not understand why or even how this could have happened. Rolling up into a ball and mooping around the house for the next year sounds like a plan at this moment.

The pain is worse than i had hoped to be this morning and I hate to depend on others to do simple tasks that any body should be able to do. I could not even bend enough this morning to put my pants on. I feel so humiliated to have to ask my husband to help me put my pants on.

If god was aiming for humility I am there right about now.

ahh well maybe tomorrow i will have a grip lol.