Sarah...

So I know I have not been blogging, summer came and kicked my rear. lot's of fun and laughter instead of blogging. we went camping,fishing,rock hounding and in general enjoyed each other :) We even sat on a lake for labor day.

Unfortunately our labor day lake vacation came to a screeching halt when I received a call that my sister sarah was being rushed in was not likely to survive based on vitals and her blood sugar numbers.She made it through so far but just barely. Her kidney's are failing more every day so far, her blood sugar is dipping into the 20's and she does not seem to be in the right frame of mind. I unfortunately agreed years ago that if something happened I would take care of stuff and make hard decision's. She and I have for years been more like mother and daughter than sisters. That is not always an easy path to follow but that is what she has needed from me. I am so sad to know that at this point sarah is terminal in most senses. Due to her inability to seem to maintain or care for her diabetes her body is now giving up on her. She will not be eligible for a transplant due to her lack of self care . I wish it were different but that's the path we are on.

Some how with our lack of money in the next week I will fly to Seattle to be with her, make sure her wish's will get taken care of so that in the future, whether it is tomorrow or in 5 yrs everything will be taken care of for her in the way she would want. On wing and a prayer this will be and I  come see my lil girl probably for one of the last times due to finances. I hope things turn around for her but at this point it may just be to late.

good thought's for sarah would be appreciated.

Joy

Flu....

One thing I can never understand is why so many germs have to affect me. I know my immune system is not running at full steam. I get that I know some germs hit me and smash me harder than others. I just wish my body fought a tiny bit more. 3 flu type bugs in 2 months seems just  a bit much. oh well tis is my plight I guess.
Hope my friends and family out there is doing better :)

So a change...

I think I approach this blogging thing wrong in my head. I stopped blogging awhile back since I figured I didn't have much to share.I think day to day things are what I actually love about blogs so I am going to make a goal to blog at least 4 days a week for the entire summer. So some of these posts may not be super interesting but in the end I think the over all quality will be sweet.

I have recently been looking at our budget and realized just how much money I am pouring into food every week. Most of this in an attempt to eat in a healthier way. all this adds up and that does not help pay off medical debt or get  derk and I back into college.

Daxs health problems in the last 6 months has made us more aware of all our food choices.

Since one of his health issues is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malabsorption and failure to thrive we are looking at ways to cut out some things that are hard on his body while maintaining his ability to eat.

Unlike most kids dax can and has starved himself to the point where he needed a feeding tube. If it looks remotely yucky to him no amount of coaxing or force can get him to eat it. Food for him can be a real power grab by not making it a center of focus this power source is depleted.

We currently do this by

1st) having an open kitchen. night or day your hungry GO FOR IT!! We teach moderation and keep certain thing like junk food for special occasion.

2nd) I make one dinner not 4!!you do not like what I have for you fine you have 2 options peanut butter and jelly or cereal.

3rd) I try to provide food we all can agree on!

The hardest  thing I find about number 3 is that dax is so picky most things a kid likes dax just will not eat!!

Dax likes cereal no granola but cereal, Noodles with no sauce, meats with no sauce,cheese, milk, fruits and veggies. Heaven forbid we mix things or try things a lil different.

 I love variety and want to mix and match food in fun maniacal ways. I am a person who has to be on a high high protein diet and loves most foods in moderation.

Moderation and center is a mantra I seek to live by. All food can be great in moderation.

 Dax due to being dax loves sameness!!

So long story short after research we found out milk and gluten can contribute to his health issuues.

We have tried the gluten diet and well lets just say that is not an option for our family.ROFL

Milk to drink and for cereal is an area we have found in general works for us to change. 

After some trial we found goat milk is yucky,Soy milk has to much estrogen for boys, Hemp milk at 4.25 a pint is way to expensive an option, coconut and almond milk were over all a huge winner for our family.

 A disclaimer is I am VERY allergic to almond milk. 

So we will be buying soy for me and almond or coconut milk for the boys.

Now Almond milk is expensive much more so then moo milk as we call it. So we are needing to cut costs in other areas. Our veggie and fruit costs have also been crazy like 60-70 a week. Did I mention we love our fruits and veggies lol. 

 Add just those 2 things  up and boy do I know why we are broke :)

Lucky for us and thanks to a friend letting us in on a great co op we have a great less expensive way to cut costs and still eat in a healthy way!! bountifulbaskets.org  is awesome they are currently in 14 states and growing all the time!! This week we finally bit the bullet and bought in for our first basket at 15 a basket plus a 3 dollar first time basket fee ( pays for the baskets that hold your food till you show up with your boxs or bags. keeping it green baby :) ) the results speak for them selves :)

I know when I go to the store I spend more than 15-18 for this much fruits and veggies.Now I am told amounts vary and each basket is unique either way I feel like I got a great deal!! Now to help with costs 1x every 2 months every family needs to volunteer 1 hour to help with loading or unloading the trucks and handing out baskets. Pretty cool I think.

Now being me and not realizing how much food their is I also bought 2 additional Items that you can buy ala cart. This was my total bill ROFL 

Conventional 1 $15.00  Utah Basket pickup 

 First Time Basket 1 $3.00 

Valencia Oranges - Approx 88 count 36 Lb from Mexico 1 $14.50 

Strawberries - 8 Lb box of 2 large clamshells - California 1 $12.00 

Handling Fee:

$1.50

Total Price:

$46.00

This does not show the orange box full of yummy fresh valencia oranges :) Next time I think the basic basket will do just fine. yet I love how yummy and tasty this will all be.

Over all  pretty nice changes and our grocery budget is much much smaller :) Lil changes help our world get better I hope.

Dax..

My dear and much loved oldest son has never been given the easy road of life. I am not sure what life has in store for him in the future I can only hope it is an easier road than he has traveled thus far.
Many things happened this week to him and for him
.As most if not all of you know dax is a pretty high functioning child on the spectrum of autism. For the last few years his major issues have come down to being socially acceptable and the ability to communicate verbally in a way other children and adults can understand. His Developmental Speech Apraxia is the root cause of this. His speech understand ability is around 3 and this is so hard on a child who is roughly cognitively a typical 8-9 year old high energy boy who wants to be liked by his peers. He tries hard to fit in wearing the coolest shades, the coolest vest, and working hard on his hair. Unfortunately he does try too hard and seems to focus on the being friends with the one kid in class who has not been fond of him since kindergarten. This hurts him much more than most can see. This weekend he cried tears of such sorrow not only from this child just not liking him , yet also from the feeling that he is unheard and not understood by friend and teachers alike. Even I his mother fail 30% of the time in the ability to understand what he trying to say. His desperation to be heard and understood is growing with speed his speech is just not able to keep up with, his disorder is hard to treat and his unfortunately considered a severe case. This disorder is neurologically based and past speech treatment which he has received since 13 months there is not any solid ways to treat him.

We have now found a way to help him be understood Its is not perfect, It seems like a miracle that something like this is available.Its called a dynavox

This device is will in so many ways can and I am hopeful will change his life as he knows it now.He was seen this week by a group that advocates and writes the paper work so that kids like dax who cognitively are where they need to be but due to various reasons including apraxia or even cerebral palsy can not communicate in a way others can understand.

Dax played with this device a few days ago and immediately had such a reaction that I wish we had a camera in the room. His face lit up with wonder and delight as he started using this device he immediately looked at all of us sitting in the room and said people will understand me with this. I could not help it all I could do was cry. He knew so immediately what this was for and what he wanted it for. No explanation no resistance just pure happiness that he can be heard and understood.

It will take a couple months for him to receive his own device. we know we have bumps in the road ahead. Getting insurance companies to pay for this can and tend to be difficult.His wait is hard for him right now but once he has that device I see it taking him places he never knew he could go.

My new (used)Van.

We are finally car owners again.  In September our engine died on our car,we had no money so we could not fix it or even replace it.
Thank heavens I have a friend like K. who had an extra car they were not really using and said we could use it until we could get another one.
Thank heavens we have such great friends. To not have a car would have meant taking dax and dallon out of thier school they both need to be in. Dax for his autism and Dallon For his severe Dyslexia most schools offer little to no services for  Autism and even less for dyslexics with the attitude that you can just pay the experts out side of school the 50-100 an hour they charge.
My heart sank when our car died thinking of everything my kids would loose if they could not continue there.
When  my friend K. called and said we could use her car I was over joyed and was on my knees thankfull.

Well this last saturday we were finally able to buy us a vehicle. I have looked and hunted.We knew our budget was not everything we were hoping it could be , yet it was what we had so we needed to make it work.
I am in love with my van
here is Rodrigo :)

Decked to the 9 and ready for what every my kids add to it. we paid 2800, put 900 in repairs and it is in excellent condition.!!

I know this was god's hands in us finding this vehicle. It was well below value and was a blessing for us.

Cinn

How Life has changed....

Life in the beginning of 2009 seemed perfect. We did not have every thing but we had our family and we had our wished for hope of a Little girl to love.

Things changed and although it did not turn out how we expected we made it through together.

Life for us changed in a way that will affect us with every step we take from now on.

At 26 weeks after a near perfect pregnancy ( at least for me) Dharma Eileen Neds was born. She was born early due to a rare form Ecoli like Amniotic Infection that hits acutely and kills often. She was born breathing and kicking, fully prepared to show us what a fighter she was . By all signs everyone even the doctors felt she could make it. With in minutes we were proven so very wrong. After about 40 minutes the doctors came and got derrick and I. They felt she could fight no more. Her body had put up a more than valiant effort and just could not win this battle.

At first they were unwilling to allow me to go with derrick to turn off the vents. They were still afraid this infection would kill me. At that moment NOTHING would have kept me from her side. I think they knew I would be quiet hysterical if they did not allow me to go so they relented. They wheeled me in accompanied by derrick.

This was my first image I saw of her.

I think those moments were almost fog like.The pain is something I can not describe to anyone. The pain stayed with us but as the saying goes Time helps heal any wound.

A few seconds after this they brought her to us and set her in my arms.

( I need to note that derrick in this moment really made a sacrifice I can not even explain to you how hard it had to of been for him. He never took her from me until well after she had passed allowing me that special gift of holding our Daughter for those last fleeting moments of her little life) Those moment with her are something I treasure, Every moment of my day. Feeling her breath and lay on my bare chest made every part of me want to go with her, yet I knew and Know it was not time for me. She had lived as long of a life as she needed and then returned home with honor. I spent the next 2 hours holding her. I honestly don't know why I held her so long knowing she had passed so fast. Yet I just could not let her go. When I finally did I had an empty feeling.

Awhile later my sister and close friend Joan brought the boy's. They saw her for a moment to say goodbye. I wish we had had more time in life for them to see her while she still lived but that just wasn't to be. Dax cried heart wrenching tears, and wanted to help the baby. Dallon asked why and I explained it was just this way for her.

We had a lovely Funeral at Garner Mortuary . We had originally planned to not allow the boys to attend. In the end they needed the good bye and closure that it brought our family.

The months passed and we healed some every day. We are not over it I doubt you can really heal this kind of deep wound.

We found Old friends Like My Sister in Law from my first Marriage ( yes I was married long ago to some one else amazing I know LOL).I got to see my ex-Nephews and nieces. ( though I never divorced them in my view.) Found Out My ex- SIL son had attended my sons school and I had no clue who he was despite having seen him in the library alot!! I even talked to my ex over facebook and myspace ( no I am NOT telling people who he is for his privacy and mine!!) Us talking is proof time heals every wound if you let it.

Basicly we tried to move forward with our lives.

Unfortunately 2009 was not finished with us. In Oct our Nephew Zach Fell Down Topaz mountain in southern Utah and sustained A lot of damage. He fell 70-75 feet Tumbling head over heel. He was Life Flighted to Primary Children's. He sustained Severe Bruising,Dislocated hip, Spine Fractures, And was partially Scalped. Despite all those injuries Zach is mostly back to normal. There is Scarring but for all his injuries it is a true miracle he lived and is living a normal life again.

Now course 2009 yet again did not seem to be finished with us. In Late November my sister Joan came down sick with that Infamous Swine Flu. Ended up In ICU with Pneumonia. She came terrible close to death and scared us all half to death!!! I have given her strict orders to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!! She finally pulled through after a few weeks in the hospital. We are all glad to have her home.

2009 closed quietly and with out much HOWRAH.

What I learned from it will stay with me forever. Love can get you through everything and that family means EVERYTHING to me.

2010 Is going. it has not been easy but who said life was easy.

On January 6Th We had to have a D&C due to another miscarriage.

It was hard but no worse than what we have seen before and Yes we are okay.

We are survivors and we are a family that Plays and Stays together.

Life continues even when you wish it wouldn't. I love my life and have great hopes and plans for our future. I am loved. I am blessed. More than people can see I am happy with all life has given to me. Even if I didn't get to keep it all.

Cinn/Joy

2 boys cute as can be
1 hubby still in love with me
1 little angel gone to soon

a Love fast

I was reading an article this weekend that intrigued and inspired me to try to explore my loving side.
The basis and theory of this article is to do a love fast..now before going nuts and thinking i mean not getting lovin.
This is more of a giving love diet than anything else.
In life I have found as you give love so shall you receive. Well this diet takes it one step farther.
As people we tend to want reassurances of love and will be unsatisfied when we feel people fail to meet our expectations of how one should show love. We then take that as a sign that we are unloved and that the person in our life that we love so much, loves us not. We as people will tend to get needier and push the ones in our life to make declarations; pushing them even further from us. This is a cycle that can makes us moody and petulant and in the end really push the one we want closest, further and further away until one day we really only end up much further from our goal.

My challenge to myself and even my friends out there is for the next week to abstain from emotional neediness. To show love with no expectations of returned behavior. To give the ones you love a boost of your love.

For those willing to participate by writing about what doing this love fast taught you, I will send a gift to one lucky blogger responder. :)

Sometimes ya feel like a nut

So i have obviousely been quiet lately. I have been fully flying into the face of life.

Since the start of school I have really started investing my time into helping Dax and Dallon's school, Being a v.p of the pto has really been alot of fun and I found i have a passion for libraries and a talent for getting things done.My time is well used and I can tell I am making a difference everyday.

I am also doing a spiritual diet exploring and discovering who i am at my center. it can be scary and at times i fall short yet I can only hope with exploration's of my very being I can be a better mom and learn to love me for all my flaws..

Injuries that make you feel old

This post is my Whining post. I hate to whining as a rule. We all know we do it at times but most like me try to avoid it

For the last year or so my back has been bugging me not enough to disable me but enough that even i knew i needed to be more careful than in years past.

Yesterday as we were getting ready to leave the house i asked Dax and Dallon to put the dog in her kennel so we could leave. I got to the car only to discover that instead they put her in the car. I was very irritated since i was running late anyways. I hate to be late so this will always irritate me.
I picked up the dog and ran her inside and put her into the kennel. as i was putting her in i felt a pull and a little bit of pain, well at 31 little pains are becoming a bit more common so i got into my car and drove to my destinations.

When I got to the school it was a different pain all together. I was having sharper pains and my left leg was very painful. yet again I figured this to shall pass. With book fair next week and really needing to get stuff done for the school, I pushed on. As time went on during the day the pain got worse and worse. at 11:30 I couldn't walk almost at all and finally called derrick to come take me to the doctor.

Derrick of course was pretty irritated but he at least came and got me. When he saw me he was a bit repentant for giving me crap about getting hurt again as he put it.

So we went to the urgent care doctor's office. I was by this point a pile of barely walking crippled poop.

Well to my shock after all the tests were done I did not just pull a muscle I have compressed vertebrae and a pinched nerve, I now need to go see a back specialist and need to do physical therapy to help out with the pain.

Now here's the whiny part until this morning I was fine with all this, until this morning, now I just feel weepy and feel like having a pity party all day long.

I just do not understand why or even how this could have happened. Rolling up into a ball and mooping around the house for the next year sounds like a plan at this moment.

The pain is worse than i had hoped to be this morning and I hate to depend on others to do simple tasks that any body should be able to do. I could not even bend enough this morning to put my pants on. I feel so humiliated to have to ask my husband to help me put my pants on.

If god was aiming for humility I am there right about now.

ahh well maybe tomorrow i will have a grip lol.

Dax's day

I know as a parent I am doing all I can to teach them the rules of life. For each of my children this means different things. Day's like this make me wonder.

Yet as a mom of an autistic child I find that only after there is an issue can we really address the issues. Alot of life's lesson's have to be taught as they come up. normally through a bad behavior that comes years later than most kids.

Dax made some real developmental changes this year that helps me to have hope for his future, yet are making the here and now not so easy.

He came home today from school with a incident report stating that dax open handed slapped another child who was teasing him.

He is also drawing pictures of another child he is very un-fond of & punching him in the picture.

He is also teasing and acting out in alot of social areas.

Now to most parents these are red flags and even to me in some ways they are, yet I am also seeing that dax is finally after years of only crying when picked on and hiding in a corner, Reacting as one would when we are young and inexperienced in how to handle anger and emotions. Even us adults do not always handle these things well.

All Dax has done when hit,punched or teased at school or almost anywhere is cry. everything was tears and nothing more. He had no concept of self to defend. this year he has developed that sense of self and of most social concepts that coexist with it. This is good and bad.

So learning to stand up for himself is actually a wonderful development. handled badly on his part but that I can work on .

I as a mom feel bad for the other child but as dax's mom I think wow he is really developing isn't he!!!

Now for our part we have a no violence policy. We do not use corporeal punishment nor allow violent shows in our house. So due to the violence and general bad behavior, he is being sent to bed early, with only Peanut butter and jelly sand which with milk for dinner. He has also lost all WII time tonight and tomorrow morning ( that punishes me more than him ughh he thinks 4-5 am is wake up time, the WII has improved my sleep hours tremendously) and the T.V's are off for the night.

Joy

Fat Squirrel's and The Elephant Seals

After Hearst Castle We went on up the road about 2-3 miles and Stopped to see the Elephant seals.

These Squirrels got their picture taken based on the fact that In my life i have never seen fatter squirrels,
Squirrels tend to have very lil fat in summer but this big boy is very tubby I am going to assume everyone feeds them. ALOT, ROFL I wish I coulda taken them home and kept them and all there fluffy goodness hehehe
To be an elephant seal. laying on the beach resting for days and days
Sleeping in the surf no worries of drowning.
Well until another elephant seal got all up in your business

This video is just a small amount of all i saw when we were amongst the elephant seals.

First day of school

I Have been ultra busy the last few weeks with family and responsibilities of being the new PTO vice president of my son's school. ( THANKS JENN ROFLROFL) Yes they made me vp what were they thinking ROFL. Ohh and we want to announce our President is Jenn. yet again what was she thinking ROFLROFL

I wanted to stop and say THANK YOU to all those who helped with Dax's Tutoring. though it wasn't perfect the funds seemed to have paid off and Dax is now in upper first grade math he ended the 07-08 school year at a lower kindergarten level and now has jumped a grad and a half. I think it was money well spent. his reading at least maintained and thats all we really were hoping to do. So i just want to thank everyone that helped out. you will never know how much we appreciated the love you guys showed for Dax.

Dallon also benefited and raised himself up one full grade level in both subjects not bad for one summer.

I will let you all know how you can help dax's & dallon's school in the coming week's

Hearst Castle visitor center

We next went to Hearst castle
They have a wonderful visitors center which is FREE my favorite word. We enjoyed ourselves and were able to show our kids apart of California's history. Dallon loved the lions he thought it was cool how there were the same material but one had not had alot of handling by human hands.
They asked so many questions and seemed to love experience.
Obviously this Castle was built by a man since there were statues of nearly naked woman there also. I have to say it was tasteful though
My ever studious husband is seen here reading all he can on the history and lives of those involved in the Hearst legacy.
This was the end of the Visitors center so we took group photo's and went to look around some more.

More photo's to come.

Elfin forest and day 2

The Elfin Forest is a state park in California.This is a a few of the photo's I took of the area. I love how nature can offer such contrasting images for the eye to behold.
This is the view to the Estuary( salt march).
I have no idea what this flower is called but i just loved how the single flower is blossoming amongst the bramble of a briar patch.
Now what are those wild animals doing in there. shoo go on now. lol
My aunt Louise in her youth worked for the forestry department. She even did campfire tours for awhile. So she really seemed to enjoy showing my kids all about why they have it there and what it is all about. I of course got lost but well I have the ability to think 50 things at once and get lost in thought at a moments notice.

This was the end of day one. after all this we went home and went to bed. exhausted from all the day had brought us.


Now day 2 was spent doing alot of resting and a little bit of birthday shopping with just my grandpa,Louise and myself. We got Dallon star wars Lego's for the WII. since that was the only thing my sweetie wanted.

After that it was home to conversations and rest.

Part 2 of the Neds vacation the Avacado stand and Montana del Oro

After being at Louise's for a an hour or so and freshening up a little. Louise took every one but gram pa ( who was very tired ) To go see some of her favorite spots in the area

Montana Del Oro
Our first stop was at an Avocado farm that is along the highway to the beach.

Yes avocado's are a fruit.

I am a huge fan of avocado's so I was very very happy with this stop. I just love fresh off the farm fruit and vegetables so we picked up a few avocado's for our lunch. We made sure to get a few pictures of the farm and the cute cart they had on site. This cart appeared to be painted in a Slavic style all hand painted very nice and beautiful

The boys look so handsome together and they are so hammy they will do anything to get a photo taken of them even stand in front of a beautiful hand cart.

Dallon and Louise are standing below an Avocado's tree which actually had a few baby avocado's on it. Louise is holding the horde of lovely lunch time avocado's.

She was so generous and provided food for us on most of the day we were there.

It was very nice not having to worry what and where were we gonna eat. plus a home cook meal not cooked by me now that's a treat. I miss it already.

After all our picture fun at the avocado stand. We went on down the highway to our first destination. Montana Del Oro, In California along the coast you will find that along the coast many different types of Beach's are around. They range from cliff to sandy with variations and degrees within 20 miles of each other. This is a small reason why people so love the California coast .I doubt any where in the world will you find so many varying degrees of beach in such a small area.

Montana Del Oro is a rocky beach with a thick sand that is almost like walking in thick quick sand . Never ever wear flip flops to this kind of beach. Of course I did not think of this prior to leaving for the beach so of course I wore my sandals. There are 2 very good reasons not to wear flip flops.

1. They will not stay on your feet half your energy will be used to keep these sandals on.

2. There open toed so the rocks and the sand continually get under your toes. Very annoying and time consuming having to stop every few feet. just to remove the cup of rocks that has migrated under your toes.

These pictures are a prime example of the rocky sand you have to walk in. The plant life seems to love it. My feet ? not so much.

This is a lovely example of the beauty you will find there. I think i spent 50 % of my time collecting rocks and the other 50% taking picture. There was just so much to take in I am sure I could never do it justice. I just loved how the seaweed and rocks just interwove between each other creating an almost picture perfect image.

One thing I love about Rocky beach's is watching the waves. splash, crash and roll across the rocks. I find this so soothing and relaxing. It just amazes me how much beauty there is in this world. and California got more than there fair share for sure.

Dallon and Derrick seemed to really enjoy walking the beach together. They were very inseparable and at times alternating from walking silently to trying to find that hidden treasure that all little boys crave. Grown boy's are obviously no exception.

Even Dax joined in the hunt for buried treasure's.

Never before had they seen seaweed or ocean for that matter, so exploration was definitely in order. Hours of fun was had by all. This beach had all a boy could hope for.

1. Treasure's of the sea

2.Something to pretend was attacking you.

3.Mountains to conquer

3.Water to explore

4.Islands to claim as your own.

After we finished exploring we ate a nice lunch of cold cuts and avocado sandwich's. It was the yummiest sand which I have had in a long time.

We then packed up the bag and off to the Elfin forest we went, but that and much more of are trip is for another time.

Part 3 coming soon...