As many know and others may find out these last 2 almost 3 years have been hard in many ways.
2 babies dying in my arms and 1 miscarriage has brought in the last couple years a life path much different than the path I had foreseen. The last child our son Dragen came close to me going with him, I hemmoraged near to death 2 days after he was born. He was born still on 12/23/2010 due to stress and my body not being able to handle it all . The doctors said we could try for another but that with this being my 20th pregnancy with 5 making it to at least 2nd trimester chances were not great that the child would survive or that I would be there to care for it even if it did.
Derrick was sweet and took care of his side of it so that as he put it he gets to have me a lot longer. He is such a trooper and really appreciate the help his dad gave in this.
The strange part is 4 years ago I would have been devastated to know that my 2 sweet boys would be my only kids I get to raise. Now though it seems these trials have allowed me to start living for myself . Still be a mom and a loving wife but to really and truly start allowing myself to follow my dream path.
3 years ago after dharma died we went through some counseling that helped us mend the damage done by the loss. One thing she pointed out though was that its fine and nobel to live only for your kids but that living for you is just as important. She said that maybe we should focus on moving out of utah where we had moved to solely for dax's benefit.
I was shocked at first by the suggestion I have in general put every one elses needs before mine just out of habit and hating to hurt or disappoint them.Being a good mom to dax and dallon have been until recently all I ever thought about.Now though I know to be that good mom I need happiness also.
We decided at that time to start moving forward with the moving some where else. Where had been the biggest debate. Of course we had planned to move 19 months ago and just felt so unready so we cancelled our plans and waited. I mean we knew west coast and all 3 states had reasons why it would be awesome to live there. family, friends,etc.
The we got pregnant with dragen and figured that was our sign to stay. Life happened after all that and were still in utah.What finally freed us from waiting was changes in dax's school situation and therapy. With his speech therapist gone on a mission to singapore and the school making decisions I neither support or am willing to live with moving now makes logical sense for us.
I recently took stock and listed what lessons I have learned in the last while.
1. Time and place is everything
2.There is always another path dust your self off and go on with your life. ( easier said than done but trust me it is always doable.
3.Paths some times lead you to life styles and experiences you may never had seen your self doing or though you had to wait until you were old and grey.
4.Trust your gut.
5. you are not guilty ( my own issues are very imbedded in this one lol.) this has been my mantra since heck I can make myself feel guilty for a death a million miles away.
Derrick and I are finally ready to follow the path we had wanted to follow years ago when we were young and first in love. To work for our selves and live in an rv together and travel where the path leads us. Now some friends already know this and think we are insane,irresponsible ETC....
Maybe we are but I have only one life and I do not want to sit on the side lines while others enjoy my dreams. Doing what we have been doing is not getting us any where. I would rather take a risk now than wait till I am 50 and wish I had done it sooner. Or worse something happens and I never took the chance to follow my path.
So we are moving and buying a motor home and a travel trailer. The Rv is planned to be a Class C likely older model but livable. The travel trailer to most will seem wierd but hey as a wire artist and jewelry maven I need a good bead studio/ room so we will gut most of the trailer we get and make it into our mobile bead studio. No money if my supplies I have squirrled away over the last few years were not there.
I am good at my work and know that by making it full time for both derk and I can live simply with that income. The kids are excited to move and a little scared as can be expected for kids who have only gone to one school there whole lives lol.
The next step has been where. Well with my favorite aunty ( always has been :) ) and awesome God mother and Father are there in California with its lovely farmers markets and love of truly hand made artisian work has turned out to be the place we both can agree on. So end of febuary we will be packed and ready to go to morro bay or pisomo beach or such. Hitch up our traveling band and head for california land of my birth and a place where our path has lead us. Packing up and moving forward has seemed to take on a life of it's own. Funny how that happens when you are on your path again.
